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Thoughts on Twenty Father’s Days

Having been a dad for 20 years now, I finally feel qualified to write on the subject. First, happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there. You are blessed, whether it’s your first one or your 50th. My hat’s off to you, and I’m humbled and honored to be among those granted the privilege of having children.

I know so many great dads, men who make it look easy being the provider and protector, the coach, the “rock” of their families, the patient listeners, the stoics who toil away without complaint, the men who have quite literally given their lives to support their families. I’m grateful to the unsung, yet so unquestionably worthy men, who sacrificed so their children could have better lives, gain better opportunities and live in better neighborhoods than where their fathers grew up. A lot of guys don’t get much credit for that. Most don’t want it. They see it as just doing their job. I see that as all the more reason to celebrate fatherhood, at least for one day.

And, in case you’re wondering, here’s why most of us dads don’t care about the “recognition,” or complain about not getting the respect we deserve.

father and son take in the view

It’s because … (shh, don’t tell anyone) … we actually love it. It’s true. I love being a dad! As a young man, I always knew I wanted a family. When I got married, my wife and I decided not to have kids right away. I don’t regret that special time we had as a couple, but honestly if I could do it over, I would’ve had kids sooner. Even though I wanted children, and we spent time praying (and practicing a lot) to have kids, when my daughter was born, I was completely unprepared for the joy that she immediately brought into my life.

I thought that my wife and I were happy, and we were. And granted, she was such a beautiful, bright and easy-going baby. Everyone who met her was instantly impressed with her smile, her sunny disposition and her wonderful, inquisitive nature. But I had no idea how much becoming a little family would multiply our joy. I didn’t know that being a father would be such an incredible blessing, and would change my entire life for the better. And I had no idea it would be so much fun!

I learned the unimaginable joy of singing her to sleep, of hearing her coo and giggle, and the wonder of playing peekaboo and cuddling. As she grew, the fun turned into building her dollhouses, swings and playsets, making forts together, having her hit a baseball, and teaching her to ride a bike.

You cannot fathom the simple pleasure of throwing your little girl up in the air, seeing her eyes come alive, watching somehow in slow motion for one weightless nano-second, and as she falls you catch her, hair falling around her face, and she begs you to “Do it again, Daddy!” I would not trade that feeling for anything in the world.

Then my son was born, and I got to do it all over again, the same… but different. I thank God for my kids every day. As they’ve grown up, I’ve had a front-row seat, watching them become the awesome young people that they are today. It has been a tremendous, life affirming experience that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed.

Has it always been rosy? Of course not. My son has had health struggles since infancy. Sometimes it seemed like we were in the ER every other month, dealing with one mystery illness or another. One day he broke his arm in two places and I rode in an ambulance to one hospital, only to find out they couldn’t help him, and took another ambulance ride to a different hospital. The entire time he was in agony. Every-single-bump-in-the-road. For hours. They tried everything but could not figure out a way to numb his pain. I kept telling him everything would be ok. And it was, eventually. I don’t know who was more traumatized by that day: him or me.

Today, by the grace of God, he’s 6’4” and healthy, despite the occasional crippling migraine that comes out of nowhere. I’m proud of the young man he has become, and I’m grateful that even though he’s bigger than I am, he still gives me hugs. J

My kids aren’t perfect. How could they be? They didn’t have perfect parents!

I’ve told people – and this may shock some of you – our kids are probably going to need therapy because of the things we did (and didn’t do) as parents.

I’m only half joking.

I mean, yeah you can laugh about it, but I’m sorry: you’ve damaged your children. I sure have. Below are some examples that perhaps my fellow dads can relate to.

Have you ever yelled at your kids, not because they were doing anything especially terrible, but just because you were having a bad day? I have.

Have you ever made your son go to school when he was sick, because you thought he was faking it, but then it turned out he really was sick? I have.

Did you ever tell your daughter to play through the pain when she hurt her wrist? And she did, and the next day you took her to get her arm x-rayed, and it was fractured? Guilty.

Did you ever call your child a name, like “you little brat,” or call them lazy, or snotty, or spoiled? Yeah, I have.

Did you ever miss a performance or a school play, or not help them with their homework, because you were “too busy” or because you knew your wife would do it? Multiple times.

Have you ever passed up a “teachable moment” because you were just too tired to explain or too afraid to have “that conversation” when the opportunity presented itself? Same here.

Have you ever gotten home late and secretly hoped the kids were asleep, so you wouldn’t have to read that frickin’ little book one more frickin’ time ‘cause you’re pretty sure you’ll go insane? I have.

Have you ever embarrassed your kids in front of their friends? Did you sort of enjoy it? Yeah, me too.

Has your child ever asked why you weren’t there when _____, or how could you make them _____, or why you lied to them, or why you just don’t care, or don’t understand, or why you’re so mean, or why we can’t afford to _____? I’ve been there, too.

Has your child ever disappointed you? Do they know “that look” you give them when they do? Have you ever seen their face fall, head bowed low, when you didn’t respond as they’d hoped you would? I have. It’s heartbreaking.

The Bible says “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” Have your children ever become discouraged trying to please you? Mine sure have.

I truly believe, the question is not IF you will mess up your kids. The question is only HOW you will mess them up.

And let’s face it… parenting is impossibly difficult.

You have to encourage them. Can you encourage them so much they get a false sense of self, or worse, become arrogant?

You have to teach them. Can you do that without lecturing? Are you teaching them the right things? Are you preventing them from discovering things on their own?

You have to discipline them. Can you be too tough on them? Not tough enough?

You have to be honest with them. Do you pretend there’s a Santa until they stop trusting you? Can you be too honest, too soon?

You have to protect them. Can you keep them in a bubble? Do you need to let them cross the river on the slippery rocks and find out what happens if they fall in?

You have to help them push past their fears. Can you end up pushing too hard? Will they end up getting hurt because they’re trying to prove to you they’re brave?

You have to model good behavior. Does that turn into an act you’re putting on when they’re around? Will they start to believe Dad never gets angry, never gets frustrated, never fights with Mom, is always calm, always cheerful, always patient? Are you setting an impossible standard?

Even if (you think) you’ve figured it out with one child, you’ll discover those tactics don’t work with the next kid. It’s like they’re unique human beings or something!

Now, before you start wallowing in self-pity or guilty feelings, I’m here to tell you: don’t.

Don’t blame yourself. Don’t believe the lie that it’s all up to you. Don’t believe your kids have no chance at a “normal” healthy life, because you’ve permanently damaged them.

I say that if your kid is in therapy because of something you did, then great! At least they know they need therapy and they’re getting help.

Far worse off is the young adult who thinks they had the perfect parents and perfect childhood and so they don’t need any help to go make their way in the world.

That was me.

I knew my parents weren’t perfect, but I still believed that I’d survived my childhood relatively unscathed, and that I was smart enough, talented enough, educated enough and tough enough to bend life to my will. Click here to read how that turned out.

But I digress.

The point is: give up on the idea you can be the perfect parent. You can’t.

What you CAN do is love your kids.

You can’t love them perfectly. But the #1 thing your kids need to know, by your words and by your actions, is that you love them, unconditionally. That’s how God love us. And that’s how we need to love our children. The “1 Corinthians 13” kind of love. Patient. Kind. Humble. Enduring. Forgiving. Hopeful. Never ending.

My dad wasn’t the best father. He didn’t always know how to show it, but I always knew he loved me. He didn’t teach me a lot of things. But he showed me how to be generous. He showed me how to work hard and sacrifice for your family. He taught me that people matter more than money. He taught me that life isn’t fair, and that the world didn’t owe me anything. He told me not to sweat the small stuff.

So dads, please give yourself a break. Give your kids a break. Love and respect are a two-way street. Keep your side of the street clean. Yes, you’re going to disappoint each other. It’s okay, just keep on loving. And remember, you’re the adult in the relationship. Be the “bigger” person. Be the wiser person. Take the longer view. They don’t know what you know, yet. Don’t be surprised when they don’t take your advice. Did you listen to your parents at that age?

And no matter their age, enjoy your children TODAY. I once asked a very wise dad of five children, “Which age is the best?” He told me, “They’re all the best. And they’re all the worst.” So true.

When you have toddlers, LOVE that they are toddlers.

When they’re needy little beggars, LOVE that they need you.

When you have middle-schoolers, love those awkward years!

When you have teenagers, LOVE your teens! (Few others will.)

When they don’t seem to need you anymore, LOVE their newfound independence!

When you have young adults, LOVE that they will not be the people you expected. Trust that God has a plan for them, and they have to walk their own path, not yours.

Enjoy the journey.

Enjoy the relationships.

Enjoy the day off.

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Crappy New Year? Don’t Blame 2020

psalms 148:8 - happy new year

Dear friends, 

Blessings and peace be upon you.

You’re going to need them.

First, let’s get some overused words and phrases out of the way:

  • Unprecedented
  • Systemic
  • Lockdown
  • Pandemic
  • Peaceful protest
  • New normal
  • Social distancing

Good riddance! Those last two oxy-moronic abominations are particularly odious, and whoever coined them should probably be taken out and shot. There’s nothing ‘normal’ about these times, and there’s nothing ‘social’ about the masks and distancing that have been forced upon us, we’re told, for our own good.

I have to laugh at all the anti-2020 memes and vitriol directed at this year and its horrors. But seriously, why blame 2020 for the impact of a virus that was birthed in 2019? That’s like blaming your mom for catching a cold after some random guy on the subway sneezed on her. Why is this random guy (2019) so special that we have to protect him from the guilt he so clearly deserves?

But let’s not waste any more time commiserating about the past year. 

Let’s look forward to 2021! 

Yay! Right?

Well… don’t get me wrong, I’m as hopeful as the next person that 2021 will be a “better” year. But I don’t believe that a magical calendar change is going fix everything. Yes, we have a vaccine coming. But there is no inoculating people against the unreasonable fear and division that seems to have gripped our nation and our world. There is no vaccine for mistrust, for greed, for pettiness, or for self-centeredness. 

They say tough times bring out the best in people, but for some reason our current malady seems to have had the opposite effect. In the days after 9-11, I saw people doing heroic things for their neighbors, and even strangers they’d never met. We were united against a common enemy. We pulled together. 

In our current struggle, we literally can’t pull together. We’ve been forced apart. The isolation, paranoia, suspicion and disaffection are unavoidable symptoms of working from home, distance learning, sheltering in place and “no contact” delivery. We — human creatures who desperately need physical contact and real connection — are all experiencing the consequences of a “touchless” society. We’re told this is necessary to preserve life, but at what cost? Is life really worth living if you can’t shake someone’s hand, share a laugh, eat and drink together, go dancing, sing along with the fans of your favorite band at a concert, cheer with and high-five total strangers at a football game, hold hands and pray at church, or hug and cry with loved ones at a funeral? What is the point of preserving human life if we end up losing what it means to be human? 

Life is not a safe or sterile environment, nor were humans designed to live in one.

As Hellen Keller said, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure.”

I do hope and pray that 2021 will mark a new beginning. Will it be the year we are allowed to become human beings again? Will the pendulum swing back? 

The real question is, what are YOU going to do, regardless of whether 2021 sees a positive turn, or continues in the same downward spiral as 2020?

For me, I’m taking my cue from King David:

“Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,
for in you I trust.
Make me know the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.”

— Psalm 143:8

I’m not putting my trust in 2021. I’m trusting in the One who got me this far, and who knows the way I need to go next. All I need to do is return each morning and meditate on his incredible love.

God willing, dear readers, I can share some of that love with you in the coming year. Hope and joy and prosperity to you in 2021!

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Everyone should NOT vote

voting is scary?

“Rock the vote!” …

“I voted today!” …

“Look at my sticker!” …

Why is everyone so proud of voting? Why does Facebook so badly want me to vote, constantly reminding me how to register and letting me know where the precincts are? These notifications appear at the very top of my news feed, are impossible to turn off, and appear above even the “Sponsored Posts” that advertisers covet. Why did my “24-GO” gym app remind me today that it’s so important to vote? Sheesh, I was just trying to check in so I could work out!

Above is a tweet from RockTheVote.Org telling me that “voting doesn’t have to be spooky or scary…”

Seriously?

This is not a post about conspiracy theories or why Facebook is pushing voter registration above it’s own profitability. I’ll leave that to others.

It’s simply a question: should every US citizen (of voting age) register and vote?

I think most people would say, emphatically, yes.

I disagree, completely.

Everyone should NOT vote.

Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying everyone shouldn’t be ABLE to vote. If they’re of age and legally allowed to vote, I agree ALL people should be able to vote.

But some of them should not.

Why?

A couple of reasons.

First, this is America. In some countries, voting is compulsory. It’s the law. You HAVE to vote, or pay a fine. In other words, it’s against the law to *not* vote. This strikes me as un-American. In other words, “Hey, it’s a free country. I don’t have to vote if I don’t want to.”

If that’s you, then God bless you. Don’t vote.

Second (believe it or not), a lot of people just don’t care. They don’t care who’s president, and they don’t know anything about the issues. And they certainly don’t care enough to spend time researching candidates, platforms, or ballot measures. There are literally millions of Americans that fit that description. Please, let’s not pretend these people don’t exist. So, let’s not twist their arms or shame them into voting. If somebody doesn’t really care, do we really want to force them into voting? Do we want ignorant, uncaring, immature people out there “exercising their right” to vote? Do we want people who think voting is “spooky or scary” to vote? I think not.

Let’s not forget, voting is a privilege, not a right. You don’t get to vote if you’re in prison. Voting, as Mike Rowe pointed out in 2016, is more akin to gun ownership.

Here’s a brief excerpt:

“I’m afraid I can’t encourage millions of people whom I’ve never met to just run out and cast a ballot, simply because they have the right to vote. That would be like encouraging everyone to buy an AR-15, simply because they have the right to bear arms. I would need to know a few things about them before offering that kind of encouragement. For instance, do they know how to care for a weapon? Can they afford the cost of the weapon? Do they have a history of violence? Are they mentally stable? In short, are they responsible citizens? Casting a ballot is not so different. “

Well said, Mike.

Also, why is everyone encouraging me to be “proud” that I voted? Should I be proud that I drove the speed limit today? Should I be proud that I served on a jury? Should I be proud that I paid my taxes, that I went to work to feed my family, or that I rotated my tires every 6,000 miles? Responsible adults do these things. We are not (nor should we be) proud of ourselves for doing them.

Concerned, responsible adults should vote. Not uncaring, immature children (of any age).

The only reason to be “proud” you voted is that if you voted 100% correctly. Did you? Are you 100% certain that every single ballot measure you supported will ultimately benefit the public good? Do you know that every single person you voted for is absolutely the best person for the job and will uphold the integrity of their office and exercise their duties to the ultimate welfare of all citizens?

No, of course you don’t know that. We are flawed human beings, and we’re voting for flawed human beings. We’re voting for ballot measures that were not perfectly conceived, nor flawlessly written. And there is no possible way that these measures will be perfectly carried out, if and when they are made law. You can’t predict the future. The “right” vote today may turn out to be the “wrong” vote tomorrow, when all is said and done. Let’s face it, some of these candidates and some of these measures should never have been put on the ballot in the first place.

Will your vote make a difference? Yes, I believe it will. But will the “difference” you make be for good or for ill? Have you ever regretted voting a certain way? I’d bet most of us have. Are you “proud” of that?

I hope not. I hope you’re humble enough to admit that you get it wrong sometimes. I hope you’ll agree that, sometimes, the candidates we voted for were not the best choice, or even the second-best choice. We all get it wrong sometimes. People (and laws) are not always what they were made out to be.

So stop telling me that “everyone” needs to vote. No, they don’t. Some people believe it’s okay not to vote. Some people (i.e. Henry David Thoreau) may take the extreme view that voting is violence. Some people believe every vote doesn’t really matter.

And I’m okay with that. As I said, this is America.

And, just for the record: yes, I voted.

It wasn’t scary.

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Faith in humanity — oops!

I’m an incurable optimist.

I think it’s in my DNA. I’m one of those people who finds a silver lining for every cloud, a “bright side” for every tragedy. If we’re friends, I can hardly wait for you to finish telling me how bad your day was before I can interject how it could’ve been worse. (The whole time you’ve been complaining, I’ve been silently cataloguing the “good stuff” that you’ve overlooked in the midst of your bad mood.)

Honestly, I’m kinda proud of my optimism. It’s hard-won. I didn’t grow up in the perfect family. My dad was a raging alcoholic. I was the shy introvert in an entire family of extroverts. I wasn’t popular in school. In fact, I was bullied, teased and excluded. The few friends I found were labeled “losers” by pretty much everyone — and my best friends had the annoying habit of moving out of state. (This happened about 4 times with 4 different “besties.”) Poor me.

And yet, I’ve always chosen to see the best in people. I’ve always trusted folks unless they gave me a reason not to. I give people the benefit of the doubt, I don’t judge a book by its cover, and my cliches always come in threes. 🙂

In 7th grade, I read The Diary of Anne Frank. Most of you are probably familiar with the autobiographical work, which describes a teenage girl’s experience in Nazi Germany during WWII. Her Jewish family were forced into hiding, were captured and sent to concentration camps (Auschwitz and then Bergen-Belsen), where Anne eventually died.

In spite of everything…

Before perishing in a concentration camp, Anne wrote a curious thing: “In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.”

Wow. Despite everything she’d endured, being ripped from her home and family, seeing thousands of people suffering and dying all around her, Anne Frank held firm in the belief that people are basically good. Maybe she needed to believe that. Maybe her optimism was a survival instinct. Maybe mine is too.

Anyway, I think her book had such an impact on me because it confirmed what I believed: that despite how terrible we can treat each other, despite wars and greed and rape and murder, most people are just trying to be the best they can, to do the best they can. Most people aren’t evil. Most people are basically good. I think we all want to believe that. It feels good. It feels right.

“Plaque of Anne Frank’s tree” by NomadWarMachine is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0 nc

And so I grew up, went to college, got married, and began raising a couple of kids. Life was good.

Until it wasn’t.

At the age of 35, I was struggling. My life was ostensibly “good,” even great… at least on paper. But on the inside, not so much. The outer trappings of success were not enough. I projected confidence, integrity, strength and a “can do” attitude to the world. It didn’t hurt that the wife and kids were very photogenic. 🙂 But my inner life was one of isolation, chaos, fear, cravings and compulsions, and the haunting thoughts that I would never amount to anything: that my best would never be good enough. I was constantly lying to myself and others to keep up appearances… to project the person I believed they wanted me to be. The “chameleon” act was exhausting. It also prevented me from discovering who I really was, and what I really wanted from life.

That’s when I was introduced to the 12 Steps. I didn’t have a “come to Jesus” moment. It was a process: in fits and starts, in baby steps and eventually in huge leaps. Via the Steps, I met my Higher Power. I met Jesus. He saved me from myself, and gave me my life back. My whole life. Inside and out. I was (and still am) finally happy. Finally, authentically me.

Why am I telling you this? Because it was during this time that I first did a California Fourth Step. It’s a long and grueling (AAs call it “fearless and thorough”) personal inventory, with hundreds of questions separated into stages of life: childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. Most people take weeks or months to complete it, if they even make the attempt. (I dare you to try it!)

Do you feel all human beings are basically good…?

Now to the point: in the adulthood section of the California Fourth Step, there’s an interesting question: “Do you feel all human beings are basically good and sensitive?”

In answer to the question, I wrote simply, “Yes.” Then I moved on to the next question. I didn’t think much about it.

A few weeks later came Step Five. That’s when you take the answers you wrote in Step Four and read them out loud to another person in the program, sometimes called a “sponsor.” (Yikes! Yes, I actually did this.)

Now, when I read my answer to my sponsor, he said, “Really? Basically good? Are you sure about that?”

So I opened my mouth to defend my answer. We Chatfields are good debaters and as you’ve already discovered, I’m an incurable optimist. I was ready to prove my point. I do love a good argument! But instead — in that moment — I hesitated. I thought about everything I’d written about in my Fourth Step, about my inner thought life, about what had been done to me, and what I’d done to others. I thought about all the fear-motivated rationalizations, the deceptions, the lies I told myself. I thought about the fact that every single one of the people I have hurt most in life have been the people closest to me.

And I just started laughing!

It finally dawned on me. OF COURSE people are not basically good… who was I kidding?! I guess I was finally “woke,” as the kids say today.

It took me until middle-age to figure it out

Shockingly, I took until my mid-thirties to uncover this myth. And yes, it’s a myth. A lie. People are NOT basically good. This is demonstrably true just by viewing the world as it is, and comparing that to what it could and should be.

First, let me say that by “basically” I mean “fundamentally,” or “intrinsically,” as it were.

So, I’m not going to trot out a bunch of facts (stats on genocide, rape, greed, sloth) and psychological studies (Milgram comes to mind), to prove my case, but I could. Instead I’m going to asked some pointed questions, which all begin with, “If people are basically good…”

  • Why is it easier to lie than to tell the truth?
  • Why are some people starving when others nearby have more than enough to eat?
  • Why are we quick to excuse our own bad behavior, lauding our good intentions, but even quicker to harshly judge others’ behavior– and assume their motivations are impure?
  • Why do we have thousands of laws when we couldn’t even keep 10 simple commandments?
  • Why can people, especially children, be so cruel to each other?
  • Why is it easier to hate than it is to forgive?
  • Why do newspapers and news media tend to focus on the negative?
  • Why do we hurt the ones we love?

As a Christian, I believe scripture backs me up on this. Don’t worry, you won’t have to read very far. In Genesis, the first book of the Bible, we find Adam and Eve selfishly disobeying God, breaking the one and only rule he gave them. When caught, does Adam take responsibility, fess up and ask forgiveness? No, he throws Eve under the bus (and even blames God, indirectly). I’m paraphrasing Adam: “This woman you gave me handed me the apple, and I ate it.” Then God turns to Adam’s mate. Surely, she’ll do better. So, Eve, what do you say? “It wasn’t my fault, the serpent deceived me!” The Devil made me do it.

Elsewhere in the Old Testament, Psalm 14 says, “The LORD looks down from heaven on the human race to see if there is one who is wise, one who seeks God. All have turned away; all alike have become corrupt. There is no one who does good, not even one.” Pretty clear.

If you prefer the New Testament, one of my favorite lines from Jesus is in Matthew 7:11, “If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” God’s opinion on the matter is made even more clear when you realize the audience to whom Jesus is speaking is his own disciples!

If you’re not a Christian you can dismiss/ignore the Biblical references. But I actually think the atheists would side with me on this one. Atheists believe that humans are simply higher apes, right? We’re animals that have evolved to become intelligent manipulators of our environment. So, our animal nature to hunt, survive, carve out territory and basically “kill or be killed” makes perfect sense. And the popular conception that human beings are a virus (or a cancer) that is destroying our beloved Earth, killing off other species, fits right in with my line of thinking. Humans are the only animals that hunt for sport. One of the first dogs I owned was a ‘rescue’ puppy who had been thrown (with 8 of her litter-mates) out of the back of a moving pickup truck, into a drainage ditch. Humans are the only animals that can be in-human.

Now, let me be clear. I’m not denying that some humans can be pretty decent some of the time, or even most of the time. Heck, we can even be self-sacrificing, brave, heroic and honorable. Examples are everywhere, if you look. I’m an optimist, remember? What I’m saying is that in those moments, those “good people” are NOT displaying their human nature. No, in fact they are *rising above* their human nature.

It’s not human nature, for most of us, to help save the human race, or even to help our neighbor. Human nature is to sit on the couch, grab some Pringles and binge-watch Netflix because you had a long day at work, you’re emotionally spent and you’re just too damn tired to do anything else right now. That’s most people, most of the time. Me included.

And let’s face it: Anne Frank, the concentration camp victim, saw the world through the eyes of a child. I love her innocence and naiveté. But she was a kid. She was ignoring the fact that she and 6 million fellow Jews were not being personally annihilated by Hitler and a handful of Nazi party members. No. It was, collectively, the entire country of Germany — millions of people — who either carried out those atrocities, stood by and watched, or hid their eyes and tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. Are we to believe, as she did, that most people are good at heart? Or is it easier to believe we are all sinners, desperately in need God’s mercy and grace?

I sometimes hear people say, “So-and-So restored my faith in humanity!” I want to have faith in humanity, I really do. But as humans, we have a pretty poor track record. I prefer faith in God. Jesus said apart from him we can do nothing. I truly believe that. So I’m convinced that anything good in my life, any good inclination I have, any hopeful or helpful or unselfish word or deed I’ve ever expressed, simply isn’t in my human nature. It’s the divine nature of the Holy Spirit working in me and through me.

About that optimism thing…

So, yes I believe people are basically self-serving and that human nature tends toward sin. We’re our own worst enemies. It’s embedded in our human nature to destroy ourselves. So, does that mean despair? What’s an optimist to do?

Again, it comes back to faith. It’s been said that fear is just misplaced faith. If I’m afraid, that means I’m focused on the wrong thing. I’m hoping my talents, abilities, resources will win the day. Or I’m hoping my job, my boss, my spouse or my country will “do the right thing.” If you look at where our society is heading, it’s easy to be afraid. But I can’t put my faith in society, or who the next president is, or science and technology.

“On Faith” by FirewallJC is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 

I can put my faith in an all powerful, infinitely loving God. A God who knows my weaknesses, because he made me. A God who accepts me and loves me unconditionally. That’s where my faith belongs, and why I can hope in the future, no matter how uncertain it may appear from my extremely narrow and murky point of view.

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Do Facts Exist?

No, this isn’t a silly philosophical or academic question.

I know that “facts” – by dictionary definition – do exist. In theory: yes, there are facts.

But I’m talking about facts in reality. In actual practice.

I think those kinds of facts are much harder to come by. And in our always-on, digital society, facts are quickly becoming extinct.

It’s a little like the aphorism, “A man with a watch always knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never quite sure.”

We are living in an age where everyone has multiple ways to tell the time. We are living in an age where the definition of the word “literally” also means “figuratively.”

I’m not making this up.

Webster’s Dictionary, Macmillan, Cambridge and even Google’s dictionaries all have added “figuratively” as a secondary meaning of the word literally, which by definition means “not figuratively.”

So: if a word can mean what it means, and also the opposite of what it means, where are we?

This isn’t particularly new. I’m reminded of Bill Clinton’s legal-ese response to questioning about his being in a relationship with Monica Lewinsky, when Clinton famously said, “It depends upon what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.”

Well said, Bill. It sure does.

This is the world we live in. Now, you may be tempted to simply laugh this off as politicians being politicians, or word-nerds fighting amongst themselves. Yes, politicians lie and evade. And yes, the English language has evolved for hundreds of years, and the definition of words can change over time.

So, what else is new?

I’ll tell you.

What’s new is complexity.  

Photo credit: Mark Skipper, Flickr CC

Our society has become so complex that it is now vastly beyond the ability of the average person to make sense of what is real, and what is not.

Don’t believe me?

Here are a few items of note.

Exponential Growth in Information

Until the 1900s, it was estimated that human knowledge doubled every 2 centuries. In other words, the measurable “sum total” of all data discovered, written and catalogued by humankind, doubled about every 200 years.

Today, human-collected knowledge doubles about every 13 months.

In a few years, this data will double every 12 hours.

How can the human brain comprehend all that information? Of course, it can’t. We will task computers and artificial intelligence (AI) with the job of assimilating and interpreting all that data. Thus, our reality will increasingly be filtered by machines.

Humans Have Trouble Detecting Fact From Fiction

This rise of fake news is an interesting phenomenon, and its insidious impact is not limited to uneducated or gullible people. In fact, a study at Stanford University recently found that both university students and PhD-level historians were easily fooled by fake news stories posted online. These scholars were not saved from bad info by their experience, education and training.

One bright side to the study: professional fact-checkers were able to spot fake news articles at a much higher rate than the academics. As trained skeptics, the fact-checkers used their research know-how and internet savvy to ferret out the fake news sources. Maybe they can teach the PhDs a few tricks.

Still, the study’s authors concluded that “Very intelligent people were bamboozled by the ruses that are part of the tool kit of digital deception today.”

Even Experts Can’t Agree

How many times have you witnessed a TV news program or crime drama that has “dueling experts,” each with a different opinion on the same data? Or, pundits arguing over whether the data are accurate to begin with? As mentioned above, the more clocks we have, the less sure we are what time it is.

This isn’t just entertaining television. Two years ago, the editor of one of the most well respected medical journals in the world lamented that a lot of published research is unreliable at best, if not completely false. “The case against science is straightforward: much of the scientific literature, perhaps half, may simply be untrue,” said the esteemed Dr. Richard Horton, who added that “science has taken a turn towards darkness.”

So, maybe half of published medical studies are false. I wonder which half?

Probably, the half that are published by companies or organizations I don’t like.

Seriously.

scientist with needle
Photo credit: GrrlScientist, Flickr CC

Here’s an example. In 2016, an analysis of studies exploring health effects of sugary soda consumption found a nearly 100% probability that – if a study was funded by sugar-sweetened beverage companies – it found no link between sugar-sweetened beverage consumption and poor metabolic health. On the other hand, just 2.9% of studies that did find a link between sugary beverages and poor health were underwritten by the sugar-sweetened beverage industry.

Is it any wonder public trust in institutions is hovering near an all-time low?

Facts with an Agenda

And yet, where do most people obtain their facts? As children, most of us start learning from our parents. In school, teachers and textbooks are good sources of facts. As we get older, our friends and classmates replace our parents and teachers as “better” information sources. Beyond school, there are government agencies, corporations, the news media, and nonprofits of various stripes, lobbying groups, think-tanks and the like (many lump these under the acronym NGOs, which stands for non-governmental organizations).

To recap, our sources for facts include:

  • Parents
  • Teachers
  • Textbooks
  • Friends
  • Government
  • Media
  • Businesses
  • NGOs

Now, take a quick glance at my list above. Put an imaginary “check mark” next to all the unbiased sources.

Finished? I don’t know about you, but I’d be hard-pressed to trust any of those sources for 100% unbiased information. Every entity listed above is comprised of individuals with agendas. While they may be perfectly well-intentioned, our agendas and biases (conscious or not) cause us to prefer some facts over others, to “de-emphasize,” ignore or undermine data that do not suit us. This happens all time. But whether facts are bent, hidden or trumpeted due to worldview or expedience, the truth is … well, it’s messy.

As a public school student, I lost count of how many times my teachers would complain about the textbooks and course materials they were forced to use by the school or district. This phenomenon (teachers hating the text) continued unabated from roughly 6th grade through college. It wasn’t every teacher in every class, but it was very common. I use this example not because I think textbook publishers are evil or teachers are persnickety, but because something as simple and innocuous (and necessary) as basic education is fraught with nuance, complexity and controversy.

Take, for example the widely known “fact” that U.S. public schools are inferior to their first-world counterparts overseas. That knowledge is placed in considerable doubt when faced with alternative facts, which actually place American schools among the best in the world, after removing appropriate variables to get a more apples-to-apples comparison. But this isn’t an education blog and I’m no academic expert, so let’s look at some other examples.

We’ve often been told the scientific community is nearly unanimous in its support of climate change data pointing to human-caused warming of global temperatures. Most people agree, and global warming skeptics are called “fringe scientists” or deniers, often lumped in with folks who still think the earth is flat.

On the other hand, there’s also near-universal scientific support for the safety of genetically modified organisms (GMOs). But here, many if not most regular folks are likely to disagree with the scientific community. What’s more, they happily pay more for foods that are certified non-GMO. Are people being tricked by the food companies? If so, which ones: the GMO-producers or the “organic” companies that are charging much more money for what is essentially the same product?

Whom do you trust? And why are some science-deniers labeled pariahs, while others are celebrated?

The short answer: I don’t know.

And as I wrote in my previous blog, I have a real problem with how facts are being used to divide us, create controversy, sell products, preserve power, exploit one group vs. another, and basically undermine any sense of humanity, collegiality and community.

The scarcity of facts (and those pesky word meanings) leads me to ask some uncomfortable questions:

  • If we can’t agree on facts, how can we have informed debate or even a basic exchange of ideas?
  • Without facts, what difference does it make if we get our news from CNN or Snapchat?
  • If we don’t trust our government or scientists or our neighbors to get their facts straight, is there any hope for civilized society?
  • If people are increasingly ignorant of reality, through no fault of their own, how can they adapt to the demands of a rapidly changing world?
  • Will we all be forced to “play along” with whatever reality the powers-that-be are promulgating at the time, keeping our true thoughts private?

Two Final Thoughts

First, the decay (and eventual death) of facts is giving rise to the Age of Feelings. We are living in a culture where what a person feels, or believes in their heart, is more important than what is true. I think it began a few years ago when the phrase “my truth” started getting thrown around. This is word-nerdy, but again, the definition of the word “truth” does not jibe with a concept of multiple “truths.” Something cannot be true and also not true, or only half-true. There cannot be “your truth” and “my truth” … there is simply truth. As truth – and its close cousin, the fact – continue their decline, then more and more, feelings will rule us and dominate our world.

Second, we have to stop embracing certainty and equating our facts with some sort of moral superiority. We should hold facts in high esteem, but we should not become endeared to them, as a family pet. Facts are, by their nature, unemotional (see above). Sometimes “facts” are disproved based on new or better information. Thus, let us not denigrate or humiliate others whom we believe are misinformed. ALL OF US are misinformed about many, many things. As the movie Wonder put it, when faced with a choice between being right and being kind, choose to be kind.

End Note: I’m painfully aware that I’ve alluded to several studies here, while telling you that studies are unreliable. That’s my whole point. Neither the average person, nor so-called experts, can be counted on to get their facts straight. Our world is drowning in endless complexity. So, give your fellow humans a break!

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Read this… before it’s too late

I’m desperate to tell you something.

And you really need to hear me.

Our society is succumbing to a very dangerous idea.

It can be summed up in 3 words.

Us. Versus. Them.

We are dividing into camps of right vs. wrong. Good vs. evil.

This idea is subtle and seductive. And it’s poisoning our souls. We’re angry, we’re afraid and we’re stressed. And we’re desperately trying to find others who see the world the way we do, because in our insecurity, we figure we’d better stick together to fight the enemy, their way of thinking and their way of life.

But it’s a lie. A half-truth.

It’s not us vs. them.

There is no “them.”

There is only us.

The truth is, we’re all human. There’s only one human race, and we’re all in this together. I firmly believe we are all children of God. But even if you’re not a spiritual person, I’m sure you can agree that all human beings have a shared identity, dignity and potential. You don’t have to be American to grasp the concepts of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Regardless of our background, color or creed, we all share the same basic DNA, the same planet, and the same universal languages of love and laughter.

So why are we becoming so polarized? I could write a book (and maybe I will), but for the sake of brevity, let’s just say it boils down to two things: profits and power. Those are what lie at the core of this division.

I think we need a new pair of lenses. We need a new perspective. So I’m starting this blog.

Why on God’s green earth do we need another blog?

Well to put it simply, we don’t. But I’m not really publishing this for the benefit of all humankind. I just have some things to say, that need to be said. And I don’t hear a lot of other voices like mine out there.

So this is really an experiment to see if what I’m thinking resonates with others. If this post and this blog help put into words something you’ve been thinking or feeling, or help to articulate some amorphous thoughts rolling around in the back of your mind, great. If you think I’m just spewing drivel, that’s fine too. As I said, it’s not for you. It’s certainly not for everyone. But for now, I’m going to make a case for getting to this point, and for continuing to blog in this space.

Why we need a view from the middle

America is divided (so we’re told). We have polarized into camps of this versus that, and we’re told to pick a side. Republican or Democrat. Liberal or Conservative. Coke or Pepsi.

The trouble is, all those choices are false choices. I can join a different political party, or no party at all. I can be liberal on some issues and conservative on others. And I certainly don’t have to drink cola if I don’t want to. Green tea, anyone? Or how about a nice glass of water? There are dozens of brands to choose from.

We need a “View from the Middle” because we’re endlessly being sold, categorized and labeled, according to our “unique” differences. And I think division is intrinsic to American culture and government. Don’t forget that many of the country’s founders wanted 13 independent states and a weak central government. We wanted separation of church and state. We wanted equally divided branches of government: judicial, legislative and executive.

This isn’t news to anyone. But I think we have forgotten. We forget that we have far more similarities than we do differences. We forget that most people basically want the same things: freedom, prosperity, peace. We just differ on how to achieve these ends. Unfortunately, many people and institutions profit from getting us focused on those differences, and are invested in keeping us divided, scared and adversarial.

That’s not just sad — it’s totally unacceptable. We are being spoon-fed poisonous false dichotomies 1,000 times a day, on the news, in our social media, in schools and even in churches are charitable institutions, where unity is precious and should be cultivated.

This blog, a View from the Middle, aims to cut through divisive BS and provide lucid, cogent commentary that a majority of readers can agree with and hopefully act upon. I want people to stop seeing “red” states and “blue” states, and instead see the reality that our nation is made up of a wonderful cross-section of people from all backgrounds and perspectives. However, we to not attain “strength through diversity” (another lie), but strength through unity. Unity of purpose, unity of vision and direction. Diversity is fine, but diverse people need to work together to understand each other, clarify their positions, get on the same page and resolve to move forward. That is strength. Diversity — as it’s currently practiced — is more of an immature NIMBY, that’s-mine-this-is-yours mentality that gets us nowhere.

What a view from the middle is

Here’s what this blog aspires to be:

  • Factual. I will attempt to use real data whenever possible. If I have a hunch or an opinion, it will be stated as such. I will try never to publish something unsubstantiated or anything based on shoddy research. Unfortunately, facts are getting harder to come by in our society. I’ll be doing an entire post on this soon.
  • Centrist. Maybe this is obvious. But it bears repeating that I’m not here trying to present “both sides.” If you’ve read this far, you probably know that I believe there are *always* more than two sides to any issue. It’s not: “Trump: you either love him or hate him.” No. There are people who’ve never heard of The Donald, and people who just don’t care. See? I’ve just come up with two more kinds of people who neither love nor hate Trump.
  • Opinionated. Being centrist doesn’t mean always seeking middle ground or compromise. Part of being a “whole person” means I’m not always going to be centrist on every issue. In general, I try to stay away from absolutes. But if I have a strong opinion one way or the other, you’ll know it.

What a view from the middle is NOT

Here’s what this blog is NOT about:

  • It’s not about avoiding extremes at all costs. Yes, most topics have multiple shades of gray. But sometimes things are pretty black and white. I’m OK with that.
  • It’s not always about opting out. For example, when voters are faced with equally unpleasant candidates, sometimes they just decide not to vote. That’s their right, and it’s fine by me. BUT, sometimes we are forced to choose, either by conscience or by circumstance, between the lesser of two evils. My argument would generally be, not to opt out, but to find a third (or fourth) alternative. There are rarely only *two* options. That’s just another lie we’re sold, or we tell ourselves.
  • It’s not about endlessly sitting on the sidelines. I know some people will take me to task for this, saying that on a particular issue, there are no fence-sitters. “You’re either for us or against us,” they’ll say. I think this is true in very few cases. Being centrist doesn’t mean always waiting until all the facts are in (that is, forever) before weighing in. Sometimes you have to make the best decision based on the facts at hand. Life isn’t lived by timidly avoiding tough choices.

Why I’m qualified to present this view

There are many reasons for me to want to present a more reasoned, centrist view of life, health, politics, spirituality and any number of topics. Here are a few of the good ones:

  • I’m middle-aged. Old enough to bring some good life experience to any topic. Young enough to grasp the technology and trends that are changing the world. Plus, as a member of Gen-X, I’m firmly planted in the middle of two large and influential demographics: Baby Boomers and Millennials. That presents a good opportunity to act as a bridge between the two groups.
  • I’m middle-class. Neither rich nor poor, I live in an ordinary suburban neighborhood, about equidistant from the city and the countryside. I attended a state university. I have a typical family: one girl and one boy (of course). Our kids go to public schools, play in sports and in marching band. They’re regular kids.
  • I’m a middle child. Other middle-children out there will identify as the peacemakers, the ones who had just as much fun playing with the older kids as the younger ones. We don’t need to lead, but we’re happy to when the need arises. We don’t mind following, as long as the leadership is adequate. We know what it’s like to be looked up to, and looked down on. We don’t need to be the center of attention. We’re happy to fit in.
  • I’m ambidextrous. Seriously. Sometimes I forget which hand to use when buttering my bread. I throw left, and write right. I play racquetball with either hand. In basketball, my free-throw is right handed but my (sometimes) deadly hook shot is lefty.
  • I’m equally left/right-brained. Perhaps because of my ambidexterity (or maybe its cause?), I’m happy to be in free-flowing creative mode, as well as using a spreadsheet to analyze data. In high school I took AP English as well as Calculus. Some people nicknamed me “Mr Spock” for my logical contributions, while others knew me as the sarcastic class cutup who did hilarious impressions ranging from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Elmo. So, in my brain, post-apocalyptic “Terminator” earth and Sesame Street live happily juxtaposed to one another.
  • I’m Anglican. Anglicans are the “middle child” of Christianity, sandwiched between Catholic and protestant. Technically, we are the world’s largest protestant denomination, but we have many of the sacraments (i.e. infant Baptism, Holy Communion) that are usually attributed to Catholicism. In case you’re wondering, no we don’t acknowledge the Pope.
  • I’m a dual citizen. I was born in New Zealand, where my mom is from; she met my father (an American from Michigan) way back in the 1960s. I think this gives me more of a “third-party” perspective, at least where U.S. politics and culture are concerned. I have passports from both countries. If you’re curious, I live (and vote) in the U.S.
  • Speaking of voting, I’m an independent. When I turned 18, I registered as an independent (no party preference) and I’ve never looked back. I got a journalism degree in college and my belief was (and remains), you can’t be an objective reporter if you’ve already picked sides. In fact, I don’t see much difference between the Democrats and Republicans in terms the way they operate or the results they achieve. From my perspective, government seems to plod along in the same general direction no matter which party is in power.

What’s next?

I’d love to get your opinions on what I should write about next. I’m thinking of several topics, some of which may have strong “good vs. evil” overtones, depending on which side you sit. I definitely will be writing about current events, media and culture. Some topics may have a political slant (healthcare, abortion) but I don’t want this to become a political blog. I’m not a very political person, and I find politics pretty boring, honestly. Plus, I’d argue that most Americans are not political animals. There are plenty of other things to write about.

Please give me some ideas in the blog comments section below. Thanks for reading!